Vis à Vis: Side Doors
by Reaper Nanashi
Summary: It was an accident—a moment of acute unpreparedness made worse by a lack of critical information. Naruto did not want to be so vulnerable, but at least his Shadow was watching over him. includes Daddy!Yondy
1. Shrinkage I – The Merits of Composure

**Author's Notes:** Even though this piece takes place in my _Door Number Two_/_Vis-à-Vis_ universe you don't have to read either of those before you read this; it would just help if you did. All you really need to know is that this work takes place in an alternate dimension/universe and as a result some canon information – such as the Fourth's name – are **deliberately inaccurate**. If that will bother you, either do not read this at all or read _Door Number Two_/_Vis-à-Vis_ to find out why these inaccuracies exist.

For those of you already familiar with _Door Number Two_/_Vis-à-Vis_, if you didn't come here from _Vis-à-Vis_ this is an apology of sorts for the long wait for an update. There won't be one such thing every time, but it's **possible** that there may be more if they – like this one – don't fit anywhere in the fic itself.

**Title:** _Shrinkage_ (Part One of Three)

**Author:** Reaper Nanashi (Lady Shinigami)

**Pairing:** None intended

**Word Count:** 5756 (**Total:** 5756)

**Category:** Naruto

**Genre:** General/Humor

**Type:** Three-shot (Work In Progress)

**Rating:** T (bad words)

**Date Submitted:** 6/29/09

**Disclaimer:** Ultimately belongs to Masashi Kishimoto – I just play in the sandbox.

**Claimer:** I seriously doubt Kishimoto-sensei would allow this indignity to occur, people. It was just a cute idea, okay? _Okay_? . . . Agree, damn it!

**Summary:** It was an accident – a moment of acute unpreparedness made worse by a lack of critical information. Naruto did not want to be so vulnerable, but at least his Shadow was watching over him. "Except that I can't have you running around in orange. It's too much like you and people will start to wonder." "Wonder _what_? If I'm having illegitimate children?"

**The Reasoning Behind It:** Because I am a sick, sappy person and I wanted Naruto and the Yondaime to have some time to bond under the most adorable circumstances possible – because we all know that they need to spend more time together. The apology aside, it was easier to use the _DNT_/_VàV_ universe so that the explanations could be kept simple and the fun stuff could take the lead.

* * *

**Part I**** – The Merits of Composure**

* * *

Arashi held it at arm's length and stared in astonishment. In the voice of someone on the edge of hysterics, he said, "Oh my god."

Naruto crossed his arms, annoyed. "_Help_, oyaji. Help, help, _HELP_. Are you familiar with the term?"

Arashi set it carefully on his desk, aware that his predecessor was staring as well, and slumped in his desk chair with one hand over his mouth. His eyes were still locked on it since in his helpless horror he was unable to turn away, but that did not matter since he was being glared at anyway. Softly, as though trying to not disturb a funeral, he whispered, "Wh . . . What _happened_?"

"It was an _accident_," Naruto asserted.

Arashi frowned. "Yes, I would imagine so, unless you keep stalling."

"I'm not stalling," Naruto replied. "I just don't want you to think this is some cry for attention."

He seemed fine, and with that reassurance of good health – if not good spirits – the shock began to wear off. A smile started to pull at the corner of Arashi's mouth, so he kept his hand over it. "Well, you already cried for help; generally, the cry for attention comes first. Sometimes they're the same thing."

Naruto scowled. "Cute."

"I think I should be saying that."

"Shut up!" the younger blond hissed, and then pouted, which did not help his case.

"Naruto, _what happened_?"

"_What happened_ is that Akiko needs tutoring in chakra control before she hurts herself!" Naruto responded with an impatient flail.

It had started innocently enough – Naruto had stumbled upon Hitomi struggling to entertain a bored Akiko who was obviously looking for a chance to escape. Unable to leave an ally hanging and having noticed that his sister had an interest in all things ninja, Naruto had offered to teach her a technique. 'Teach' had meant carefully showing her the hand seals and then letting her spend time 'practicing', though without being very dexterous and, further, without being able to utilize chakra she would never be able to make it work. But at the very least her efforts would keep her quiet and occupied for a while and therefore she would see no need to try to leave the house and get herself into trouble. Hitomi would then be able to clean up or have some tea or read or something. Apparently, however, Akiko had been far more familiar with her chakra than he had imagined.

"What did you teach her?"

Naruto glowered. "Can't you _guess_?"

"Not all techniques have a unique result," Arashi explained. "If you can tell me exactly what you taught her, it'll help to fix it. And I say that assuming you tried to release it and failed . . .?"

Naruto nodded sullenly. "_Chiisaikoro no Jutsu_."

Arashi frowned. "That's a spying technique."

"So?"

"_So_, you taught that to her? Even if you thought she wouldn't be able to use it—"

"She's _two_!" Naruto howled. "I figured that if she used it on herself and it actually _worked_ she'd just turn into a baby and never be able to leave the house anyway!"

"If she used the same amount of chakra that she did to achieve _this_ then _she_ would have turned into a day-old embryo and _instantly died of exposure_," Arashi replied, his tone severe.

Naruto grabbed two fistfuls of hair and yanked on them. "Okay, so I fucked up! That's why I said she needs tutoring in chakra control! Now _help me_!"

Arashi looked at him for a long moment, then closed his eyes and exhaled slowly. "Shit . . ."

"That's _not_ reassuring!" Naruto snapped, then added accusingly, "Aren't you my father, oyaji? Aren't you supposed to have an answer for all of my screw-ups?"

Arashi massaged the bridge of his nose and admitted, "Naruto, some of your screw-ups have surpassed even my imagination, vivid as it is."

"Perhaps," the Third put in, silent and ignored until that moment, "you should focus on your children and your work for now, Arashi. I will look into this."

"_Thank you_," Naruto answered. "At least someone around here is thinking."

That was more than enough for Arashi to handle, and he snarled, "How _can_ I think when my twelve-year-old son who's apparently being hunted by the _entire world_ has been reduced to the size of an obviously defenseless eighteen-month-old?!"

Naruto reeled back at the force of his raised voice, eyes wide. He rocked into place again, then his little face crumpled and he started to sob.

Arashi groaned. "Oh, _damn_ it . . ."

Naruto lifted tiny fists and began rubbing at the tears on his cheeks and in his eyes. "Why am I crying?" he blubbered. "I don't want to cry. I'm not scared . . ."

"How can you know the technique but not know what it does?" Arashi asked incredulously. He sat forward and picked Naruto up off his desk, settled the toddler against his chest, and let the chair tilt backward. Slowly and gently, he ran the fingers of one hand through his son's very short blond hair; it seemed to help reduce the wailing to mildly hyperventilating sniffles. "The whole reason that the Chiisaikoro is an effective spying technique is because it revives the characteristics that the user – or target, in this case – had as a child. So if the person is in a tight situation, allowing the childish tendencies to come through could help a lot." Arashi rested his cheek against the miniaturized forehead. "You're just going to have to deal with it for now."

Naruto quickly cried himself into a state of lethargy, which allowed his father to do just about anything with him. Arashi, however, was far too protective to be even only vaguely upsetting to the baby. In fact, to make sure that Naruto would be as comfortable as possible in his new condition, Arashi left work early – and left the search for a cure to his predecessor – and returned to the quiet and safety of home.

"_Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee_!" Hotaru shrieked, the instant she caught sight of him. "Oh my _god_, Hitomi was telling the _truth_! What _happened_?!"

Naruto jumped, startled from a level of consciousness that was just half a step from sleep, and Arashi began to bounce them both a bit as he made soothing shushing sounds at the toddler. He shot a quelling look at Hotaru, who closed her mouth with a sharp _clip_ of her teeth, and in that way Naruto was prevented from cutting loose with a fresh bout of tears, though he was most definitely awake again. Still, Arashi was satisfied by the calm that was on display in the bright blue eyes and he moved over to Hotaru so she could have a look at the strange circumstances. Naruto twisted in his father's arms and crammed a tiny fist in his mouth as he gazed shyly at her.

"Now _what_ happened?" Hotaru asked, her voice much softer as she examined Naruto closely.

"He was trying to give Hitomi a hand with Akiko," Arashi explained. "To entertain her he showed her a few seals for a shrinking technique." At her frown, he added, "Showing someone the hand seals to any jutsu doesn't mean that person can actually _use_ it, Hotaru; that requires the addition of a specific amount of circulated chakra, which isn't taught until the second year of the academy." He shook his head. "Somehow, possibly from watching Naruto or me practice, Akiko managed to figure out how to use her chakra on her own and she did this." He indicated Naruto, who had laid his head down in the opening of the collar of Arashi's flak jacket.

Hotaru put her hands on her hips. "And what's his mental state now? Is he as old mentally as physically?"

Arashi shook his head again. "His mind is still twelve, but he does have the reflexive responses of a baby; I made him cry an hour ago because I yelled at him, and your shouting almost made him cry again. And, well, look at him now. He'll _behave_ like a baby, but he can understand big words and answer questions promptly and comprehend abstract ideas. Pretty much as long as he doesn't get upset, he'll just be a miniature version of himself."

"I'm sure you're delighted," she sighed.

Arashi frowned slightly. "Assuming that the only other alternative was death, yes." She tilted her head and he turned away. "I'm going to see if I can find him other clothes to wear."

Naruto lifted his head suddenly. "What?! Why?! My clothes are fine!"

"The Chiisaikoro is a very modest technique, to shrink one's clothes as well," Arashi said, "but I can't have you running around in orange. It's too much like you and people will start to wonder."

"Wonder _what_?" Naruto groused. "If I'm having illegitimate children?"

"_You_ are very vulnerable right now," Arashi chided. "The less you stick out as yourself, the better."

Naruto could not argue that, so for the next half-hour he clung to his father's shoulder while the older blond dug through aged wooden trunks in a dusty, unused room of the manor. All it seemed to contain was stacks of baby items – mostly clothes. Ninety percent of the clothing was tolerable as far as Naruto was concerned; they were plain and had very little childish decorations. The rest, however, were questionable.

"'Why does everyone think I'm a girl?'" Naruto read.

Arashi snorted. "When you were smaller than this, people couldn't tell your gender. Not that it's surprising since we dressed you in unisex stuff, but your mother got tired of answering and had this shirt made up. She put it on you every time she took you out."

Naruto grimaced. "Couldn't she have just gotten a shirt that read 'boy' in huge letters?"

"So I told her," Arashi confirmed, "but she thought it was more fun this way."

"_Fun_?"

"For her," came the clarification. "It was a subtle way of reminding me that I'm . . . _pretty_. Because you do look very much like me." He paused, then grinned at the contents of the trunk. "Ah."

All Naruto saw was some dark-blue fabric, some grass-green fabric, and then a flash of red before his father stood and let the trunk fall shut. They went to the master bedroom, where Arashi tugged Naruto's sandals off before setting him on the big bed and handing him the dark-blue fabric. Naruto sighed, set it next to him, then pulled off his jacket, shirt, and pants, which he traded for the new and slightly wood-scented clothes. He smiled when he realized he was wearing a miniature version of the standard-issue shinobi uniform, right down to the red spiral on the right arm. Village orphans often wore such clothes because they were cheap yet extremely durable and very unlikely to be fought over by children who wanted to own the 'coolest' things. Ninja parents, though, often clothed their children in them for the same reasons.

"Cute," he noted.

"Close your eyes," Arashi ordered, "and hold out your arms."

Naruto frowned at that, suspicious, but his father had never hurt him so he complied. Something was slipped over his arms one at a time, tightened around his body, then zipped up his front. Naruto felt a surge of dread when he realized he knew what it was.

"All right," his father said. "You can look now."

Naruto looked down at the miniaturized flak jacket and then glared up at his father. "You're a bastard."

Arashi had one hand over his mouth and was clearly too amused to be at all concerned about his son's annoyance. "I think you're adorable."

"_You_ dress up like this," Naruto hissed.

Arashi simply opened his overcoat.

Naruto scowled and crossed his arms. His father was, of course, already wearing the full jounin uniform. It just did not look as stupid on him as it did on an eighteen-month-old. "Shut up."

"Oh, come on! Don't be like that," Arashi coaxed. "If anybody laughs, it won't be mean. You take yourself too seriously."

"As if I need to hear that from you, you workaholic," Naruto snorted. He turned his back petulantly, only to feel fingers slide across it before lifting him off the bed. He squeaked.

"It's all right," Arashi promised as he turned Naruto toward him and lifted his free arm to cradle the toddler against his side. He crouched to collect his son's sandals, then headed out of the room. "There's a handle on the back of the jacket." He chuckled. "And a D-ring for a leash."

Naruto groaned. "I'm not going to ask."

"I can't imagine that you'd think you need to," Arashi answered. "I'd be more than happy to humiliate you in front of yourself at any time. And by the way, yes, you were an extremely active child; it was the only way that we could concentrate on things like _eating_ whenever we went out, without having to wonder if you'd gotten bored and wandered off to explore."

They did not meet anyone wherever they were going, but when they arrived in the den Hitomi giggled when she spotted Naruto. "I heard that," he muttered.

"Hi, Daddy!" Akiko cheeped from her place by a mess of dolls.

"Hi, baby," Arashi greeted. He set Naruto down near her, who she responded to with a startled stare.

She reached out and put one hand gently on her brother's head. ". . . Naruto-niichan? What happen?"

Naruto opened his mouth to snap, then closed it and sighed. "I did something bad and Dad punished me."

Arashi rolled his eyes, but seemed to have a sudden thought. Alarmed, he looked between his two children and said to his son, "Please tell me that you're still potty-trained."

Naruto crossed his arms and glared. "Of course I'm still potty-trained, you asshole."

"Asshole," Akiko giggled.

Arashi was so relieved he missed the invective. "Diapers are the one thing that I can do without," he told the room at large. "Anything else I'm okay with." He rose and turned to Hitomi. "I have to speak to Sandaime-sama for a moment. I'd like to leave Naruto with you. He's still twelve mentally, so he shouldn't be a burden."

"I can make exceptions," Naruto growled as he made clawing motions at his father.

"It's no trouble at all, Arashi-sama," Hitomi promised.

Naruto silently watched his father leave the room and struggled to gain control of a sudden and powerful sensation of abandonment. It was a temporary absence, he knew, and on top of that he had been left at _home_, not in an alley or a playground or under an awning the way he had been when the other people had learned his name. Still, his head dropped and he began to mope. But before he could get into such a condition that Hitomi noticed something was wrong, he heard his father's voice.

"He's in here."

He brightened and turned toward the doorway just in time to see Arashi enter with the Third, who seemed to be somewhat contemplative. Naruto got to his feet and without thinking lifted his arms, and with a smile his father obediently picked him up and held him close.

"Naruto, Sandaime-sama has looked at the Chiisaikoro's specs."

Naruto turned to the aging man. "Fix me!"

"It will have to wear off," the Third replied.

There was silence.

"_What_?!" Naruto wailed.

"Why?" Arashi asked, confused. "That doesn't seem very convenient."

"It would be even more inconvenient if it could be – intentionally or not – deactivated in the middle of some sensitive event," his predecessor pointed out. "Don't worry, though; it _will_ wear off and he'll return to normal soon. He might have a few residual tendencies, but those will also go away in time. In the meantime," he said to Arashi, "you should do what you can to enjoy this."

"Enjoy it?" Arashi echoed, as though it was a foreign concept. He looked at Naruto and absently reached up to massage the toddler's head with the tips of his fingers; after a moment of bemused staring the child leaned into the caresses. He smiled. "I suppose I can do that, even if _he_ hates it."

"Let me eat ramen until this blows over and it'll be hard to make me hate it," Naruto wheedled.

"Not on your life, mister," Hotaru answered firmly as she entered the room. She stopped and gave him a long look. "What are you _wearing_?"

"Don't say that!" Arashi cried as he turned Naruto away from her as though to protect him. "He's _cute_!"

"I didn't say he wasn't," Hotaru defended herself. "I just don't think that dressing him like _that_ is any less conspicuous than that godawful outfit he was wearing before!"

"Hey!" Naruto howled. "My orange outfit is the best!"

Arashi placed his hand loosely over Naruto's face to quiet him as he explained to Hotaru, "Not so much as you might think; it's common wear for orphans and shinobi parents who don't wish for their children to argue over who's the favorite."

Hotaru's lips pursed with her displeasure, but she said, ". . . All right, then. I realize you know these ninja things better than I do."

Shizuka appeared in the doorway and bowed. "Supper is prepared."

"Thank you," Hotaru answered, and the girl bowed again and left. To the Third, she said, "Sandaime-sama, would you like to join us?"

"I appreciate the offer, but no," the old man answered with a warm smile. "I promised I'd be home today."

"Then we won't keep you," Arashi promised in turn. "You've done a great deal for me in the past hours and I'm not sure that I'd be in this particular state if you'd left me on my own." He braced Naruto's head and bowed low in gratitude. "I owe you."

The Third left and supper was a production all its own.

"Where's the high chair for Naruto?" Hotaru demanded of the startled housekeepers, most of whom had not seen him at all that day.

"There's no way I'm sitting in a high chair!" Naruto protested.

"Well you certainly can't have a regular chair," Hotaru replied. "You'd never be able to see over the edge of the table without standing! Akane, the high chair, please."

"I'm _not_ waiting for that!" Naruto shouted. "I'm _starving_!"

Arashi waved at Akane. "Go ahead and sit; nothing else was considered for his condition either."

"Arashi!" Hotaru fussed.

He shook his head. "Why bother to have a high chair when there aren't any small cups or chopsticks for him either? At any one time Akiko only has a dirty set and a clean set available." He sat in his chair and put Naruto in his lap. "I'll keep him with me and feed him myself, okay?"

Hotaru lifted her hands. "Fine. Make things difficult for yourself."

Arashi grinned at Naruto, who rolled his eyes when the older blond said, "It's just a labor of love."

It was fun at first – the endeavor to see how much of his father's plate he could clean off before a stop was put to it – but to his dismay Naruto found himself uncomfortably full after emptying only a quarter of the dish. It was extremely disappointing.

"Better luck next time, brat," Arashi offered, with a knowing look.

Naruto did not really remember anything after that except for a sudden feeling of lethargy. The next thing he knew he was waking up to a grey dawn; someone had tucked him into his bed the previous night without waking him. He did not know what _had_ awakened him, in that case, but aside from a handful of chirping birds there did not seem to be anyone or anything else in the vicinity that could have done so. Typically, he dismissed it and then shrugged to himself before he hopped out of bed, certain that someone somewhere in Konoha was just waiting to be terrorized by him.

He paused by the kitchen doorway and for a few minutes watched Aya make breakfast for the still-sleeping house. It was eggs and bacon and toast, which were perfectly fine, but Naruto – whose breakfasts, unless someone else fed him, tended to consist only of three-minutes ramen cups and milk straight from the carton – had never had those three without also having chocolate-chip pancakes. In hindsight, he realized that it had been over six months since he had last had them.

Instantly, he had a craving.

"Aya?"

The cook jumped and gasped as she turned toward him, a hand over her heart. "Naruto-sama! You mustn't do things like that to an old woman!"

He sidled behind the doorjamb to have a head start in case she chased him, and peeked in at her. "Sorry. I just wanted to know if you were going to make pancakes."

She tilted her head. ". . . I could, if you'd like."

He brightened. "Chocolate chip?"

She shook her head. "You'll have to wait until tomorrow, then, since I just used the last of those for cookies yesterday and I can't leave all of this as it is."

"I'll go get them!" Naruto offered excitedly, and he took off before she could say a word. He stopped in the vestibule to yank his miniaturized sandals on, saw in a glance that he could not reach the door knob, and got around that little inconvenience by unlatching the doggy door – for whatever reason there was one there – at the bottom and scrambling outside into the crisp morning air.

It took much longer than he had expected to get to the foot of the Monument, mainly because he tried to jump from one level to another without using the stairs and nearly broke his neck when his chakra failed to react as prompted to. Fortunately, it was only a drop of four feet or so and even with the painful burn from the chakra recoil he was able to absorb the impact, but when a repeat of the use of chakra only worsened the burn he was left with no choice but to take the stairs one at a time. He was so concentrated on not falling on his face that when he got to the bottom of the stairs an hour later, he had forgotten why he had wanted to _get_ to the bottom.

"Oh yeah!" he recalled after a few moments of thought. "Chocolate chips!" He looked up the stairs and felt a dreadful ache in his quads and calves at the thought of having to take those all the way back up. Oh, sure, he was in good shape, but he was definitely _not_ in the kind of shape required to climb up and down what equated to probably forty flights of stairs. Or more. _Certainly_ more, since that was how his luck seemed to run. He whistled low to no one and muttered to the world at large as he headed into Konoha, "It's really amazing, the kinds of things I'll do for food . . ."

Once again, he was caught off guard by his total lack of speed. Without chakra to boost his body, he was only able to run for an extremely short distance. That meant he had to walk the rest of the way, but in either case he was still just eighteen months old and had no stride to speak of. Progress was, to say the least, slow.

Sometime later, he realized belatedly that rather than acquiring chocolate chips, he had been doing nothing but gawking at the village's many brightly-colored signs and the vendors shouting in the open market. Naruto shook his head and looked around to orient himself, but nothing seemed to be familiar. He looked even more swiftly then, feeling panic creep into his mind as his surroundings remained alien.

He was lost.

Naruto quickly hit himself on the head. All he had to do was figure out where he was; he knew that he was still in Konoha and there were not _that_ many open markets, and he had known the village right down to the sewer system even _before_ he attended the academy, so there was no way he was irretrievably lost.

Except that he _was_.

Thus the tears were inspired to fall, and passers-by looked at him curiously. He was not really surprised that no one actually stopped, since no one cared about the kyuubi brat, but the awareness that he was alone and exposed was very frightening at that moment and he simply wanted someone to notice him and care.

". . . Oh, sweetie, are you okay?" a soft feminine voice asked.

Naruto turned just in time to get lifted off his feet and into the arms of a stranger. He leaned back so quickly he nearly tumbled from her grasp.

"_Oh_! Honey, be careful!" the young woman chided. She was being gentle, so Naruto relaxed and allowed her to stroke his hair away from his eyes, however much good it did. "My goodness, you're so small – where could your mommy and daddy be?" she wondered. "Let's see if we can find the police for you, okay? I'm sure that they'll know what to do." Ten minutes of brisk and purposeful wandering and constant questioning later, the young woman lifted one arm overhead and called, "Junsa-san!" She hurried a short distance and then came to a stop.

"Do you need something?" a vaguely familiar male voice asked. Naruto was too upset to identify it.

The young woman held Naruto out and explained, "I found this child standing out in the street, all alone and crying. I've been asking around, but no one's missing him."

"I understand. Rest assured, we'll take things from here. Thank you for your assistance, oujosan."

Naruto was passed into the arms of the policeman, and after crooning a long and reassuring goodbye the young woman walked away. He looked up to see who he had been left with and choked back a shriek.

It was Itachi.

Naruto whimpered.

Itachi stared back at him for a time, obviously nonplussed thanks to his new problem. Finally, he said with the kind of decisive leadership typical of a young man who had been faced with the care of a very young child, "Come on, Sasuke. Mother will know what to do."

Their mother knew what to do, all right. The instant she laid eyes on Naruto she nearly dropped the dish of rice she had been preparing for lunch. "Oh my god," she said in muted horror, "what's _he_ doing here?"

Itachi tilted his head. "A civilian brought him to us. She said he was alone and crying."

Mikoto set the rice down and cut the range off. As she wiped her hands hurriedly on a nearby towel, she muttered to herself, "It's a wonder the village is still in one piece." She raised her voice and instructed, "You two take him into the sitting room and stay there until I come back, is that clear?"

"Mom? Who is this?" Sasuke pressed as she rushed past.

"It's Naruto!" she called over her shoulder as she slipped into her sandals. "_Don't leave this house_!"

With that, she was gone. Itachi and Sasuke stared at Naruto in disbelief, which the latter responded to by blurting, "I want my daddy."

Almost ridiculously calm considering the circumstances, Itachi drifted from the kitchen into the sitting room and folded himself onto one of the cushions; Sasuke did the same for lack of anything better to do. Itachi set Naruto loose, and the blond wandered around the room thoughtfully.

"How can this be Naruto-sama?" Sasuke questioned, bewildered.

"If we are meant to know," Itachi replied serenely, "we will be told."

"I taught my sister the hand seals for Chiisaikoro no Jutsu," Naruto sniffled from his place halfway across the room, surprising the brothers. "She figured out how to apply chakra somehow and did this to me."

"I've never heard of that," Sasuke mused.

"It's an A-rank spying technique," Itachi told him. "Its rank comes from its ability to make someone into a child almost completely; all that remains from the adult form is the mental faculties."

"Not even chakra?" Sasuke wondered.

"Usually not," Itachi confirmed. "One generally applies the technique only to oneself, and it slowly empties one's reserves. When the reserves are too weak to sustain the child-traits, the technique simply wears off and the user returns to his or her adult body. Naruto-sama's case may be slightly different, but he's clearly very young; his chakra paths likely aren't strong and it's possible that if he tries to perform techniques requiring chakra, they would do more harm than good."

A short ten minutes later, Uchiha Mikoto could be heard outside roaring in a very unlady-like way, "If you destroy my house, Namikaze, I will _rip your face off_!"

Seven seconds after that, Arashi skidded into the open doorway of the sitting room. "_Naruto_!"

Naruto whirled, his big blue eyes glassy, and squeaked, "Daddy!"

Arashi rushed across the room and scooped the toddler into his arms. He pressed quick, firm kisses to his son's forehead, temple, and cheek while Naruto clutched at his long hair with small hands and began to cry. Arashi squeezed his eyes shut desperately, on the verge of tears himself. His were of relief, of course, but he really did not want to bawl like that even in his friend's house.

Fortunately, Mikoto was a wonderful friend. "Boys," she said firmly, "_out_. Arashi, we'll be in the kitchen if you need anything."

He nodded, not trusting his voice, and the instant he heard the shouji clip shut he opened his eyes enough to pick out a cushion through the wobbling, watery tears that were threatening to fall. They politely waited for him to sit before doing so, and he muffled choked sobs in his baby's hair. "You're okay . . ."

"Daddy, I got l-l-lost," Naruto whimpered as he pulled at his father's overcoat like a kneading cat that had gotten a claw stuck in the fabric. "Except that I _w-wasn't_ lost because I already know everything-g about Konoha but I got s-s-scared anyway and . . . and . . ."

Arashi drew in a long, shaky breath to calm himself. He was done crying that quickly, but he doubted that he looked any less awful than he would have had he gone on for an hour and a half. "Shh, Naruto. It's okay now – you're safe with me. Don't cry . . ."

". . . and n-nobody helped because I'm just the f-f-f-fox b-brat," Naruto blubbered as he lifted little fists to his face and rubbed at his eyes.

Arashi kissed his head again and cooed soothingly, "Oh, don't say that. They probably just didn't know how to help; for all they knew, you could have simply fallen and scraped your knee and one of your parents was going to help you soon."

Naruto, much calmer himself then, sniffled and moved a hand to his mouth.

Arashi looked at him, stared, then grinned.

Naruto frowned. "What?" he demanded, and noticed that his voice was muffled. A second later he realized what he had done.

He was _sucking his thumb_.

Though Naruto would never admit it even under the most vile of tortures, between his insecurity and having no one to discourage such habits when he was a child, he had sucked his thumb – only in private, though – right up until the day that he entered the academy. A life change the size of that place had been enough to jolt him from the thumb-sucking right away and forever, it seemed, but his new condition had brought him back to it.

"God, you're cute," his father decided with his own absentminded sniffle. "It's _sick_."

"Shut up," he growled, and failed to prevent himself from the activity for more than a few seconds; as soon as he let his focus drift from concentrating on _not_ sticking his thumb in his mouth, the digit went in again.

"Oh, let it go," Arashi chided as he got carefully to his feet. "Most of you is only eighteen months old; it's perfectly natural to still have a nursing reflex. But you probably shouldn't use your thumb, in case the tendencies carry over back into your twelve-year-old body; you might catch something from the germs. I'll see if I can find one of Akiko's old pacifiers – she chewed them to death on a regular basis so there might not be any left, but there's no harm in looking."

As they passed the kitchen, Arashi poked his head in. "Thank you, Mikoto. Itachi. Sasuke. That was quite a scare he gave me when he slipped past the guards, and it's good to know he was safe most of the time."

"What was he doing out alone?" Mikoto, having returned to making lunch, asked distractedly.

Arashi frowned slightly. "I never asked." He looked at his son.

Naruto sighed and pulled his thumb from his mouth. "I wanted chocolate-chip pancakes for breakfast," he explained, "but Aya'd used up the last of what we had for cookies. So I went to get some."

Mikoto smiled and glanced over her shoulder at her two boys. "Sasuke likes chocolate-chip pancakes too."

Naruto allowed his thumb to migrate back to his mouth so that he would not be expected to respond and so he would not feel a _need_ to respond and then say something infinitely stupid, such as, "Yes, I know." The fact was that he knew very well that Sasuke liked chocolate-chip pancakes, because Sasuke was the one who had introduced him to them after the revelation that Naruto had not known that they existed. It was kind of odd, in hindsight, how Sasuke had been so visibly flabbergasted at the idea, as though chocolate-chip pancakes were so mainstream that there was no way even a pariah like Naruto could not know about them.

Arashi made a face. "Wouldn't they melt? . . . Never mind – it doesn't matter. But thank you again."

"Not at all," Mikoto answered genially as he moved toward the door. "Konoha always looks far better when it hasn't been ripped to shreds by a panicky father."

There was no way she could see it through the wall, but Arashi stuck his tongue out at her anyway.

* * *

To Be Continued in . . . **Part II**** – The Merits of Experience**

"Chakra . . . failure?" Hotaru prompted anxiously.

Arashi said nothing, so the ANBU explained, "Every human being has a chakra system which is exactly like the systems of blood vessels and nerves in the body. Like blood, the flow of chakra helps sustain the operation of the organs, but the network takes time to form. When it's not fully formed and then put under stress, part of the network will give out in a fashion not unlike an aneurysm. Healing one of these breaks is extremely difficult, and if one of the arms of the network is severed entirely, it's impossible to repair."

* * *

**Answers To Questions You Didn't Even Know You Wanted To Ask:**

To be clear for anyone who has come across this without reading _Door Number Two_/_Vis-à-Vis_ first, I repeat that this work takes place in an alternate dimension/universe and as a result some canon information – such as the Fourth's name – are **deliberately inaccurate**. If that bothers you, you are free to read _Door Number Two_/_Vis-à-Vis_ to find out why these inaccuracies exist.

———

**"_Help_, oyaji. Help, help, _HELP_. Are you familiar with the term?"**

For anyone who hasn't read the most recent chapter of _Vis-à-Vis_ or otherwise doesn't know, _oyaji_ is an impolite term for a father-figure (or a boss).

———

**Apparently, however, Akiko had been far more familiar with her chakra than he had imagined.**

This is unlikely, as she **is** only two years old, but do me a favor and pretend she's a prodigy.

———

**_"Chiisaikoro no Jutsu_."**

_Chiisaikoro_ means "as a child" or "when one was a child". I may not be using it in the proper context, and as far as I know I made it up. So it's mine – hands off.

———

"**And a D-ring for a leash."**

I have heard it said that child leashes are cruel. That's bullshit. They save young and innocent lives, period.

———

**"Junsa-san!"**

A _junsa_ is a policeman.

———

**" …** **Thank you for your assistance, oujosan."**

_Oujosan_ is a term for a young lady, although it has been used to sweeten aggressive older women.

———

**A life change the size of that place had been enough to jolt him from the thumb-sucking right away and forever …**

My mother said that chewed her fingernails right up until she was twenty-three and pregnant with my older sister. Then, one day, she just stopped, and she's never done it since.

———

**… because Sasuke was the one who had introduced him to them after the revelation that Naruto had not known that they existed. **

Of **course** Sasuke likes chocolate-chip pancakes. Or flapjacks, or hotcakes, or whatever you want to call them.

—————

As _VàV_ readers may recall, I said I'd have all of _Shrinkage_ up by Sunday. As it turns out, I lied just a tad (don't worry, this is as distressing to me as it is to you), and I apologize. The simple explanation is this: it's my sister's fault because she's making me like _Doctor Who_, as if I need to be stalking **another** fandom. At any rate, I've been watching episodes of it all over the place, so I didn't get Part III of _Shrinkage_ done. But it's almost finished nevertheless, so the delay shouldn't be too great. Obviously, this is Part I, and Part II – which is also finished – will be up tomorrow or sometime in the very near future. Ideally, Part III will be completed in the next few days and you won't have to wait long.

Oh, and peach mango Slurpees are kind of gross. If anyone was wondering.

——————————

Yondaddy is TEH SQUEE. Thank you for your time and attention.

–RN (LS)


	2. Shrinkage II – The Merits of Experience

**Author's Notes:** Even though this piece takes place in my _Door Number Two_/_Vis-à-Vis_ universe you don't have to read either of those before you read this; it would just help if you did. All you really need to know is that this work takes place in an alternate dimension/universe and as a result some canon information – such as the Fourth's name – are **deliberately inaccurate**. If that will bother you, either do not read this at all or read _Door Number Two_/_Vis-à-Vis_ to find out why these inaccuracies exist.

For those of you already familiar with _Door Number Two_/_Vis-à-Vis_, if you didn't come here from _Vis-à-Vis_ this is an apology of sorts for the long wait for an update. There won't be one such thing every time, but it's **possible** that there may be more if they – like this one – don't fit anywhere in the fic itself.

**Title:** _Shrinkage_ (Part Two of Three)

**Author:** Reaper Nanashi (Lady Shinigami)

**Pairing:** None intended

**Word Count:** 7025 (**Total:** 12781)

**Category:** Naruto

**Genre:** General/Humor

**Type:** Three-shot (Work In Progress)

**Rating:** T (bad words)

**Date Submitted:** 7/09/09

**Disclaimer:** Ultimately belongs to Masashi Kishimoto – I just play in the sandbox.

**Claimer:** I seriously doubt Kishimoto-sensei would allow this indignity to occur, people. It was just a cute idea, okay? _Okay_? . . . Agree, damn it!

**Summary:** It was an accident – a moment of acute unpreparedness made worse by a lack of critical information. Naruto did not want to be so vulnerable, but at least his Shadow was watching over him. "Except that I can't have you running around in orange. It's too much like you and people will start to wonder." "Wonder _what_? If I'm having illegitimate children?"

**The Reasoning Behind It:** Because I am a sick, sappy person and I wanted Naruto and the Yondaime to have some time to bond under the most adorable circumstances possible – because we all know that they need to spend time together. The apology aside, it was easier to use the _DNT_/_VàV_ universe so that the explanations could be kept simple and the fun stuff could take the lead.

* * *

**Part II**** – The Merits of Experience**

* * *

Three hours later, including a brief break for a very quiet and chocolate-chip pancake-less lunch, Naruto had traded his thumb for a tasteless and oddly-shaped piece of rubber with a curved plate at one end so he could not accidentally swallow it. Even though he did not want to suck his thumb, it nevertheless seemed a poor exchange. Fortunately, however, despite that it had belonged to Akiko the pacifier was not any shade of pink; it was lavender, but he could handle that. Lavender, after all, was nothing but a lighter shade of purple, which was a color of royalty, and he _was_ the son of one of the Kage – a title which more or less equated to a king of shinobi.

Arashi frowned thoughtfully. "It doesn't match your flak jacket all that well, but I don't suppose it matters." Naruto rolled his eyes and his father added, "I see it makes up for that by keeping your mouth shut."

In answer, Naruto lifted a hand and removed the pacifier to retort, "It can also make a handy projectile."

"Don't bother," Arashi countered blithely. "You used to throw your pacifier – or spit it – all the time. I may be rusty, but after the first two times you'll never hit me."

Naruto snorted. "What's wrong with your genes that your children come out with weird habits?"

"Wait until _you_ have children," was the only response.

"You mean you think that I'm going to voluntarily deal with some brat who's exactly like _I_ was when I was that age?" Naruto prompted, recalling how much of a hellion he had been. "Hell no."

Arashi shook his head. "When you meet her, Naruto – that woman who is your everything – you come back and tell me you don't want her children under your feet and making a mess of your house."

Naruto stuck the pacifier in his mouth and let out a long exhale through his nose as he rested his chin on the elder blond's shoulder. He did not want to tell his father that he doubted the council would allow him to be anything but a weapon in his life. His lack of social training aside, he would not put it past the old coots to have anyone he got too close to killed. Maybe he could get around that somehow, but for the time being he was stumped; as the host of the kyuubi no youko, his personal business was front-page news virtually every morning.

"Seems like naptime," Arashi mused, more to himself than Naruto.

"I'm not tired," Naruto assured him, and promptly yawned. He scrambled to catch the pacifier so that it did not fall to the floor.

Arashi did not respond, but when Naruto opened his eyes from a very leisurely blink – because that was all it was; his eyes had most definitely _not_ been closed as a result of food-induced fatigue – he saw that they had at some point arrived in the master bedroom.

"You awake?" his father asked.

"In the vicinity," Naruto answered.

After he took a moment to think about his response, Naruto was not the slightest bit surprised when Arashi – rather than setting him down by the scruff of his jacket like one might a misbehaving cat – very carefully placed him on the bed, one hand cautiously supporting his neck and head. Once Naruto was resting safely on his back on the blanket, Arashi stretched toward the ceiling until his spine popped audibly in three spots. Then he climbed onto the bed and settled with his son, on his stomach and in such a way that Naruto at first thought he would be very uncomfortable being the only support for his father's shoulder. Instead, the positioning of Arashi's arm allowed plenty of room to squirm and no concerns at all about being squashed.

Naruto let his head roll to watch the older blond settle right beside him and could not help a strange impulse to reach out and trace his father's features with his fingers.

Arashi, his eyes closed, chuckled softly. "Now I _know_ you're tired."

"Am not," Naruto insisted for the sake of principle.

His father shifted his weight slightly so he could curl his arm around and run his fingers over the crown of Naruto's head in a sort of sideways, circular petting motion. "Yeah you are. _Sleep_."

Naruto did not do exactly what he was told, but there had definitely been something weirdly relaxing about touching his father's face; it was a bit creepy, really, but he could not blame anyone other than himself. At any rate, the activity _did_ cause him to grow markedly sleepier and he began to drift off, his right hand splayed over his father's strong cheekbone. His eyes closed finally, and for a few seconds he thought he had held out longer than his napmate because the petting had stopped.

His father, however, murmured suddenly, "If your mother were here . . . everything would be perfect."

Naruto frowned faintly, for in hindsight he recalled that he had not seen Hotaru at all that day – not even at lunch. "Hey, yeah . . . where is she?"

Arashi was quiet for a long time. Then, very softly, he whispered, "She went to sleep first."

Except that Naruto knew she was not in the bedroom with them, so she could not have. And even though he was physically a year and a half old, he would have been told if she was dead. He decided that she must have been with Akiko, who needed a nap herself. Satisfied with that deduction he finally drifted off for a few hours, only to be awakened by a sharp shake that had been directed at his father but which had migrated down to him.

"Stop," Arashi mumbled, completely without conviction. When the shaking immediately ceased, he asked, "What do you want?"

"You asked me to draw up a hot bath before supper, Hokage-sama," Takako explained. "Aya-san said that if you go now you'll have an hour."

"Huh? A bath?" Arashi lifted his head and rubbed his eyes with one hand. ". . . Oh, I must have. Thanks." He jiggled Naruto. "Come on, buddy – bath time."

"I can bathe myself, damn it," Naruto protested as he flipped over and pressed his face into the knit blanket. "Leave me alone."

"You and I like sleep too much," his father informed him, and Naruto failed to wriggle away in time when a large hand slid beneath his ribs and lifted him from the bed. "Get up."

"Noooooooooo," Naruto groaned ineffectively and reached out to the knit haven longingly.

"Yeeeeeeeeees," Arashi replied in the same tone.

The bath reminded Naruto of how small he actually was. Not only had he been reminded of his weaknesses after being unceremoniously stripped, washed, and rinsed off like some kind of pet by his sadistic sire – as though he really _was_ just eighteen months old – but once he had been set loose to drip all over the bathroom floor, he naturally went to the tub that was waiting to be soaked in and took a peek. He felt a twinge of panic when he first saw it, which was not much of a surprise; he had never really gotten over the time when he was six and had been drowned in the village run by a teary-eyed, suffering man who had lost his pregnant wife during the kyuubi's attack.

The man had been in such agony that Naruto – awed by the type of raw pain that he had thought only he felt – had allowed him to do it, though he had not expected to actually drown. Fortunately for him, the man had been inherently kind, and when he had realized that Naruto _had_ drowned he had yanked him from the run and pushed on his stomach until he came back to life and coughed the water out. The man had feared demonic retribution and run off before Naruto could roll over, and though Naruto had since made peace with him as he was slowly doing with everyone in Konoha, that fear of drowning again had never gone away.

Naruto did not let his fears control him, however; that went particularly for something as vital to his shinobi credentials as being able to swim. So he had always been careful to give himself something of a pep talk when in the situations that triggered his hydrophobia, mild as it was, and that was why he was at the tub. Once he felt eager to get a soak, he thought it was safe to go in. And it was.

Usually.

Being only eighteen months old physically changed the bathing dynamics a _lot_, as it turned out. First of all, the side of the tub was higher than he was used to, which meant he had to climb over it like it was a training wall. He did that, only to fall into the water that was on the other side. Amidst the bubbles caused by his entry splash it took him a moment to figure out which direction was up, but when he did he ended up with water rushing up his nose because his mass apparently did not displace enough water to touch the bottom adequately. He managed to hook his arms over the edge of the tub, just a split-second before wet hands grabbed him around the ribs and lifted him out. He coughed so hard his throat burned, but it did not seem to help.

"_Naruto_! Naruto, are you okay?!" Naruto rested his cheek on his father's shoulder but kept his head turned away while he continued to cough for what might as well have been no reason at all, for all the good that came of it. Arashi let out a long, weak sigh as the tension in his muscles vanished; he collapsed against the stone side of the tub and cradled Naruto against himself. When he was calm, he said, "For god's sake, Naruto, you could have _drowned_. What in the world were you _thinking_?"

Naruto gave a final, hacking sort of cough and replied, "That was the problem," he admitted hoarsely. "I thought. I'm twelve in my head, so I _thought_ I could handle it."

Arashi sighed again and pleaded softly, "Please stop scaring me like this. I'm only thirty-three years old – I have many potentially happy years of life ahead of me."

"You act like I'm doing it intentionally," Naruto groused.

"From time to time," Arashi confessed as he got carefully to his feet, "the frequency with which these things seem to occur does make me wonder."

Naruto shared his thoughts on that through a raspberry, but did not protest when he was carried back over to the wash faucet. He waited while his father retrieved the wooden bucket that had obviously been discarded in a hurry and rinsed the shampoo from the back of his head.

"All right, _now_ we can go soak," Arashi said.

He collected Naruto again and picked his way cautiously across the room to the tub, which Naruto recoiled from automatically, and while he was giving himself a repeat of the first pep talk he found himself facing the start of a massive bruise that ran from the side of his father's neck all the way up and over his jaw to his cheek. Naruto rested the tips of his fingers on it very lightly and Arashi flinched and exhaled sharply.

"You have a bruise," Naruto reported.

"Already?" Arashi wondered, obviously without expecting an answer. "Hotaru's going to be furious . . ."

It _was_ a new bruise, Naruto was certain. But he did not know where it could have come from when the most dangerous thing his father generally did in a day was use a stapler, and even that was only occasional. He pondered the mystery for a while before he realized what it had to have been – his father had not been on his feet when he had rescued Naruto from the tub.

"Did you fall?" he asked.

"It's more like 'how could I have _not_ fallen?'" Arashi corrected tiredly, his head resting back on the edge of the tub. "You were wandering around dripping everywhere, and _I'm_ soaked, and then I was running . . . I mean, I've told you to not run on wet floors . . ."

"Sorry," Naruto said, and even though he had not caused it directly he nevertheless felt awful for what was clearly a painful and rapidly-spreading bruise.

Arashi blindly scooped up a handful of the water and rubbed it over Naruto's back. Other than the brief itch of slightly too warm water, it was a surprisingly soothing sensation. "_These_ are the things you have to worry about as a parent, Naruto, not thrown pacifiers. Drownings, assassinations, black market rings profiting from child labor . . . Nothing is scarier or more painful than those."

They did sound alarming and Naruto was aware he had things that were just as bad on his plate as it was, therefore he resolved to never have kids. He said so.

"No!" Arashi protested petulantly. "I want grandchildren! I have to pay you back for all the horror you put me through, and what better way could there be except spoiling _your_ brats rotten?"

"I'm sure Akiko will have kids eventually," Naruto answered. "You can destroy hers."

"Oh, I already have plans for _her_ spawn," his father replied. "Don't worry about that."

Naruto rolled his eyes and popped his thumb into his mouth. It took a moment, but he realized what he was doing. "Crap. I need that stupid pacifier."

"Where is it?" his father asked, without even opening his eyes.

"I left it with my clothes," Naruto said. "I didn't want it to get soapy – it tastes disgusting the way it is."

So Arashi sat up and eased Naruto over the side of the tub to the floor. "Don't fall," he advised as the much smaller blond headed over to where their clothes lay, his chin propped on his folded arms. "We're going to be in enough trouble when she sees my bruise, but if _you_ fall and get a bruise too Hotaru will . . . well, I haven't picked anybody to be Godaime, okay? It would leave Konoha in the lurch."

Naruto successfully retrieved his pacifier and returned to the tub without mishap, and Arashi lifted him into the water once again. "Don't worry, oyaji," he said with a smirk. "I promise I'll be the best Hokage ever."

"Oh, so you're nothing but a conspirator, eh?" Arashi demanded in feigned anger. "The punishment for that must be upheld!"

Naruto was wondering what that meant when he felt hands on his sides. The attached fingers began to move and Naruto flinched from the very, _very_ strange sensation. But they kept on, and it felt . . . _funny_. Naruto was unsure how something physical could _feel_ funny, but it did, and when squirming did not seem to be an effective method of dealing with the experience he began, for some reason, to laugh.

Arashi laughed as well as he placed the pacifier on the edge of the tub for safekeeping. "You act like you've never been tickled before!"

Except that Naruto never _had_ been tickled before; he had only been swatted at. Sakura, Ino, and Tenten tickled one another from time to time, but even that was quite rare. The closest Naruto and his friends had ever come to real tickling, apparently, was jabbing each other in the flanks with their fingertips. What he was experiencing right then was a completely alien thing, but really not that bad.

The laughter lasted for a while after Arashi had pity on his gasping offspring, but even that was only because there was a crisp knock on the door and one of the girls announced that supper was ready. "If I leave you in here unsupervised for a minute," Arashi said, "will you take the opportunity to drown?"

Naruto almost made a sarcastic response, but the tone of his father's voice registered. He was worried. Less satisfying but more logical was reassurance. "I'll be fine, oyaji. I can still swim. I was surprised last time."

So Arashi carefully, to avoid making any big waves, left the tub and Naruto doggy-paddled once he had the basin all to himself. It was a good muscle-builder – and having the pacifier stuck in his mouth forced him to control his breathing – so the time was wisely spent . . . until a hand reached over from nowhere and flipped the lever for the drain plug.

"No!" Naruto protested when the drain gurgled loudly and a second hand joined the first in an attempt to retrieve him. He fumbled for the pacifier. "Let me stay!"

"You'll get cold," his father responded.

"I don't care!" Naruto told him, the loop of the pacifier hooked on a finger. "I can handle it – let me stay!"

"Fine, fine . . . Stop whining." Arashi crouched by the side of the tub and, bemused, watched Naruto float in what was more or less the center of the basin and drop lower as the water level did. When it was too shallow for even Naruto's little body, Arashi lifted him out. "What was the purpose of that?"

"Personal entertainment," Naruto replied. "How often does one get to float in a draining pool and not have one's life in danger?"

Arashi set him on the floor and stared at him. ". . . You're not my child."

"You have no imagination," Naruto countered.

"On the contrary," Arashi corrected as he turned away. "I have more imagination than I know what to do with, at exactly the moment I need it least." Naruto began to shiver and was glad to feel the thick white terrycloth of a big bathing towel wrap around him. "Uh-huh," Arashi said pointedly as he picked his son up and folded the towel around the little body. "I told you you'd get cold."

"Whatever," Naruto mumbled into the fabric.

They sat for a short time, drip-drying and warming one another up. Sort of.

"You're not helping," Arashi deadpanned. "I'm breaking out in goosebumps."

"You're a dick," Naruto snorted. "It's not my fault your heat-generating abilities are inadequate."

"Better than yours, clearly," Arashi returned.

"Why do you talk so much?" Naruto demanded, since he had no other way to answer.

"Dear child," Arashi said, "I could go on for _days_."

Naruto grinned devilishly. "That's not what Mom s— _Ack_!"

It did not actually take them all that long to get to the dining room, but when they did they were reminded of their . . . adventure . . . right away.

"_Arashi_," Hotaru cried, "what happened to your _neck_?!"

Like a bank thief caught with bulging sacks of loot, the Yondaime Hokage of Konohagakure – a man widely considered to be the most powerful shinobi to have ever lived – froze as though hoping that his stillness would cause the major feminine influence in his life to look elsewhere.

"_Arashi_," Hotaru repeated, her voice dropping to a more ominous pitch.

"I stepped on the flat of a shovel," he fibbed quickly, "and dodged too late."

"_You_ stepped on a shovel?" she echoed, skeptical, then demanded, "What kind of ninja _are_ you?"

"An extremely lucky one," Arashi told her. It was not exactly a lie.

Hotaru looked at him, then swept over to where he stood with all the authority of an aristocrat. She reached into her left kimono sleeve and withdrew an empty and noticeably creased paper towel tube, which she swatted him on the head with. He cringed and flinched away when she leaned in, then tentatively lowered his head a little to hear whatever she whispered to him, only to wince as she began to jab him in the chest with the thin rounded edge of the roll; it surely hurt, too, since he was not wearing the padded flak jacket that offered some protection from injury. She finally stuck the edge of the tube under his eleventh right rib and pushed up on it until he attempted to lift himself off it and retreat. She followed, however, hissing something at him all the while.

Naruto decided she had missed her calling as an interrogation specialist. She, Ibiki, and Anko would most likely get along like gangbusters. He took pity on his father and pulled his pacifier from his mouth so that he could say from where he had stopped in the doorway at the first word of the conversation, "Come on, Mom, take it easy – he's not going to die."

Hotaru turned on him and pointed the end of the towel tube at his face. Or in the general vicinity of it, at any rate, since he was entirely across the room from her. "Silence from _you_, young man. You and him are both wet and it hasn't rained in a week so _obviously_ you were in the bath and _obviously_ he slipped and fell for some reason, which he would not have done had one of the two of you not done something _stupid_ immediately prior."

There was no point in denying it if she had deduced that much, so Naruto calmly raised his hand. "That was me, then. I didn't realize how deep the water was until I was actually in the tub."

Not the complete truth, but at the same time it was, again, not really a lie.

Hotaru frowned, then sighed and left Arashi, who crept to the relative safety of the food-laden dining table and, like the coward that he was, left his son to take her on alone. Fortunately for Naruto, at least, his size gave him an advantage and especially after he stuck his pacifier back into his mouth, all she felt a need to do was give him a moderately hard tap on the head for his lack of forethought. She then, satisfied with her reign of terror, went to her place at the table. "Sit down and have something to eat, honey."

That sounded like a good idea, but after two steps Naruto felt a rush of heat. His stomach flipped over and he staggered when the room spun.

". . . Naruto?"

His father move from the table to the doorway almost instantly and tried to pick him up, but Naruto pushed the reaching hands away, feeling overheated and not entirely sure that he was not going to throw up. He stumbled a few steps away and hesitated; the smart choice seemed to be to sit down, which he did, but it turned out like more of a half fall when the vertigo returned abruptly.

"Naruto," his father said firmly, but with a hint of a tremble, "say something."

Oddly, though he felt no pain at all Naruto felt an incredible need to keep his pacifier in his mouth for some reason, so he clamped his teeth around it and mumbled out of the corner of his mouth, "Hot."

A moment later a bright white cloth napkin was touching his face gently. It was damp but not _wet_, so it must have been the condensation from a glass. Grateful for any coolness he could get, he lifted his gaze to Hotaru, whose brows were drawn as she stabilized him with the fingers of her free hand.

She peered at him with her golden-amber eyes, then looked at Arashi beside her. "What's wrong with him?"

Naruto thought it a strange thing for her to ask, seeing as she was his mother and would presumably at least have an idea of the kinds of illnesses children could acquire, but his father apparently did not. Arashi shook his head and said, "'Hot' doesn't tell me much."

"Dizzy," Naruto added weakly, and blinked slowly. "Sick . . . ish."

"Vertigo," Arashi mused, puzzled, and reached out to brush his son's hair back in a comforting gesture. He had not been heavy-handed, but Naruto reeled anyway. It was easy to use the hand already there, though, to cup the back of the little head and keep the toddler upright. He frowned. ". . . He was fine all day . . ."

Naruto could not take the wooziness anymore. Like an arthritic cat, he carefully braced himself against the floor and eased down onto his side. Once sure that he was not going to fall, he curled in on himself slightly so that he could lay his head on the cool wood floor and closed his eyes. He opened them again a bit when he felt a fingertip pressing gently into the carotid on the left side of his neck.

"I think he's . . . panting?" Hotaru murmured.

Arashi nodded as he heard each second-long breath, prevented escape through Naruto's pacifier-occupied mouth, get forced through the toddler's diminutive nose instead. The little body rocked somewhat in response to the unusual effort being made. "His heart's up, too." He rested the backs of his fingers against Naruto's forehead. ". . . He doesn't feel warm, though . . ." He turned and whistled sharply at a window on the far side of the room. In the next second, two ANBU appeared seemingly out of nowhere. "I need Rin," he told them. "_Now_."

One of the ANBU vanished and the other hurried to them and ran a flat hand slowly over Naruto's body. Arashi watched the activity quietly and waited, but Hotaru was looking between them and then at Naruto, unable to tell that anything was happening. "What are you waiting for?"

"He's performing a scan," Arashi explained, patiently but distantly. "It's first-aid."

"Weren't _you_ doing that?" Hotaru pressed.

Arashi shook his head. "There are different levels of first-aid and each level does something different. Since Rin was studying to be an iryounin, even as team commander I didn't have to know any more than the first level, but I went up to the third level anyway. All ANBU have to know five levels."

"Levels?"

"Degrees of skill required to perform certain first-aid tasks," Arashi said softly, unable to take his eyes from Naruto. "A lot of people who attempt to become iryounin don't have the chakra control necessary to get that far, but first-aid is what saves lives out on the battlefield and having perfect control isn't inarguable with _all_ medical techniques. I know a few and my chakra control is good enough that I could learn a few more – there was just . . . never a need to."

"And what does Rin know, then?"

"Ten," Arashi replied. "One has to achieve all ten levels to become an iryounin. Technically the levels don't go any higher than that, because once they have their medical licenses iryounin usually go into a specific branch of medicine, but Obahime's so proficient that she's said to know twenty levels."

The ANBU lifted his head and said hesitantly, "It seems like it . . . could be a form of chakra failure."

Arashi closed his eyes and exhaled slowly, then covered his face with his hands and bent far over his knees. "Oh god, this is not happening . . ."

"Chakra . . . failure?" Hotaru prompted anxiously.

Arashi said nothing, so the ANBU explained, "Every human being has a chakra system which is exactly like the systems of blood vessels and nerves in the body. Like blood, the flow of chakra helps sustain the operation of the organs, but the network takes time to form. When it's not fully formed and then put under stress, part of the network will give out in a fashion not unlike an aneurysm. Healing one of these breaks is extremely difficult, and if one of the arms of the network is severed entirely, it's impossible to repair."

Hotaru lifted her hands as though to cover her ears, but stopped at the last instant and shook her head. "Stop for a moment – I don't understand. Go back to the network-taking-form part. If it's so vital, wouldn't it already be fully-formed at birth?"

The ANBU shook his head in response. "One would think. But birth is as stressful for the child as it is for the mother, if not more so, and both will unconsciously expend chakra in the effort. In the mother's case, her chakra network is usually fully-formed and has a structure suitable for the effort, so only rarely do things get to a point where her life is in danger because of an over-expenditure of chakra. The infants, on the other hand, have very few voluntary functions that would need a structured chakra network; they generally don't think of breathing or blinking consciously, so in the womb the control of those functions is left to the peritoneal sac, which is essentially nothing more than a gathering point of chakra in the body of a fetus. Since every part of the fetus is developing at that time, the peritoneal sac is a sufficient source of energy that simply releases a little bit of that energy constantly. At birth, the fetus expends virtually all of the contents of the peritoneal sac, and though this is restored from the reserve so that the child doesn't die, the birth itself is the beginning of the formation of an adult chakra system because from that point on the child is interacting ceaselessly with the environment and learning various motor functions. As one might expect, the network forms first around the organs that are most important or can't be directly controlled, such as the heart and brain, and moves throughout the body from there.

"In most cases, a normal child has a tentative chakra system set up by twelve to sixteen months of age. But children are known for their ability to adapt, and their chakra networks are no different. If their bodies perceive a problem with the chakra flow, their bodies will alter the pathways until they're considered ideal, and generally any changes are extremely minor. Because of that, their chakra networks don't begin to harden – or 'set' – until twenty months to two years of age. Until the network is completely set around three years of age, a child's chakra network is at risk of rupture if put under stress."

"What kind of stress?" Hotaru asked, noticing only peripherally how Arashi whipped around to stare at the dining table.

"Anything and everything from severe physical trauma to severe emotional trauma to deliberate chakra use, though the last is incredibly rare for children."

Arashi grabbed the ANBU and directed him at the table. "Go check Akiko! She's the one who did this to Naruto in the first place!"

"Have Hanazakari-san examine her as well, Hokage-sama," the ANBU instructed as he got to his feet and moved to where Akiko had been sitting very quietly in her high chair at the table. She gazed up at his masked face solemnly, then squealed happily in greeting and reached out for the delicate painted porcelain. "I'm not at a level to be certain about qilogy."

"Qilogy?" Hotaru echoed blankly.

"The study of chakra and any related topics," Arashi murmured as he gazed worriedly down at Naruto, who had heard the entire conversation through what must have been wads of cotton.

Naruto seemed to run headlong into death with surprising frequency, but he did not have a death wish. He had heard of chakra failure before, but only as an unfortunate event – not something that could apparently happen at any moment to anyone. In need of reassurance, he pushed himself up into a sitting position.

Arashi hovered anxiously. "Naruto, don't get up. Just be still."

He was right there, so Naruto simply twisted slightly and flopped onto his father's thighs. Still panting like a dog, he groaned, "Hot . . ."

"Try to keep him cool," the ANBU said as he examined Akiko. "His body is trying to compensate for the interrupted chakra flow by increasing it, but he can't generate it at will and his body will keep at it until he overheats and dies of exhaustion. If he didn't have a somatic fever before, he's surely warmed up since then."

Hotaru immediately got up and left the room, as did one of the girls at the table.

Arashi rested the fingers of one hand on Naruto's head and slipped the index finger of his other hand under his son's tiny palm. He nearly broke down when the tiny fingers closed reflexively on his own; until that moment, all of the other times it had happened had been nothing but happy, and something bitter and terrified coiled in his chest at the thought that he might have to watch his child die.

He leaned down over Naruto and whispered, "You're gonna be okay. I won't let anything happen to you."

Hotaru returned with a wet and cold cloth, which Arashi accepted and brushed gently over Naruto's flushed face. Naruto thought it was perhaps a little _too_ cold, but he leaned into it anyway. It helped, oddly, when his father picked him up and held him – both as a comforting aspect and because it helped prevent him from cooling down too fast. The housekeeper who had left with Hotaru returned then with a small electric fan; she plugged it into a nearby outlet, turned it on the lowest setting, and aimed it so that the moving air struck Naruto obliquely rather than directly and would not give him a chill. That put its greatest force more or less on Hotaru, who got to her feet and moved around to Arashi's right side to get out of the path of it.

"Oh, Hotaru-sama, I'm sorry," the girl said quickly.

"It's fine," Hotaru told her. "Focus on Naruto right now."

Arashi gazed down at his son and his heart ached to see those too-bright eyes and hear the stressed panting of a suffering child. "You're gonna be okay, Little Fox," he said again, a bit quieter.

Naruto was not sure he believed that, but it was nice to hear it. Since he would not have been able to speak coherently even if the pacifier had not been in his mouth, he lifted his right hand and lightly touched his father's face to convey his appreciation. Arashi leaned in and pressed his lips to Naruto's forehead.

"Hotaru-sama, please step aside," Rin's voice called. Hotaru obeyed without protest and moved to kneel by the girl with the fan. Rin took her place beside Arashi and pressed her fingers into his deltoid to get his attention. "Sensei, I need you to tell me what led to this. Be as detailed as you can."

It took Arashi a moment to gather the day's events into a timeline, so in the meantime Rin scanned Naruto as the ANBU had. ". . . He went missing this morning – went out into the village alone. Got a little scared, but once I found him he calmed down pretty fast . . . We took a nap . . . We had a bath; he fell into the tub and got some water up his nose, but nothing significant . . . We came to eat . . ." Arashi looked at her helplessly. ". . . And he just . . . started _staggering_ . . ."

The ANBU returned and said to Rin, "It seems like it might be chakra failure."

"Chakral or systemic?" Rin replied distractedly.

"Systemic."

Rin nodded and focused more intently on Naruto.

Arashi looked at her imploringly, even though his hope was fading into the distance. Chakral chakra failure was not life-threatening despite how it sounded; chakral failure was nothing but an inability to utilize chakra outside the body for ninjutsu and genjutsu, though it still circulated inside the body and contributed normally to a person's life. Systemic chakra failure was far, far worse – if someone's chakra system failed, the body failed as well and death inevitably followed. "C . . . Can you . . . do anything?"

Rin looked at him and smiled. "Chakral failure can't be fixed, at least not with today's level of medicine, but minor systemic failure can be healed if caught in time."

"Was it?" Arashi prompted quickly.

"Well," she said, "that depends on how long it's been since he did whatever caused this. Symptoms usually show up within twenty-four hours of whatever is the catalyst." She frowned slightly and looked at her lap. "But I'm not quite sure what he could have done today that would have caused this; nothing that you described would have caused him that much trauma, especially since he's still mentally twelve."

"Does it _matter_?" Arashi demanded shrilly.

"_Yes_," she said sharply. "A systemic failure that takes more than twelve hours to reveal itself is small. Even though they're reparable, actually performing the repairs will take several consecutive infusions of high volumes of chakra. I can't just expend chakra looking over his entire body for a laceration that's narrower than the diameter of a human hair. I have to have some idea of where to look, and the only way to do that is to figure out what stresses he was under – be they physical, psychological, or otherwise – that could have led to this." She blinked and lifted her gaze. "Was he completely alone at any point? You said he went missing."

Arashi nodded. "He slipped out of the house without the guards noticing, but I still haven't asked how he did it. Aya saw him before breakfast and he was gone until around lunch, so he was alone for hours."

Rin pursed her lips thoughtfully, then leaned over Naruto and touched his cheek to get his attention. He let his eyes move from his father to her. "Naruto? Did you use chakra this morning? At all?"

He blinked very slowly as his overheated body tried to process her request and then formulate an answer. When he had, he nodded weakly.

"Can you tell me what for?"

"He can't answer that!" Arashi protested. "_Look_ at him!"

"Would you rather him answer or die?" Rin snapped. "Right now, I'm the only iryounin in the village who can do this – even Tsunade-sama's out. If I spend time and chakra searching for what is clearly an extremely small opening, no one else will be able to heal it. Now make up your mind!"

Naruto was surprised at how much effort it took to lift just one hand. He let it slap against his father's face, as much because he could no longer fully control it as to get attention. Arashi and Rin both turned their attention to him and he looked deliberately at his feet, then flicked them.

For a moment there was no reaction, then Rin guessed, "You sent chakra to your feet?"

By that point Naruto realized that had no more energy to spare; he needed to rest for a while. Arashi ever so gently turned his son's head just enough that Naruto was unable to see anything but the elder blond's overcoat and therefore would not have to process what was happening around him, which did require energy that he did not have available at that instant.

Arashi sighed fretfully at his son's condition, but mere seconds later he jolted as a thought came to him. "His feet! The shortest route from here to the village is to go down the Monument, but because there are so many stairs even the academy students will use chakra to boost them in some way." His mind began to pull an explanation together. "He must have jumped from one of the terraces – possibly two, if he tried to test his circulation and make sure he had not made a mistake. After that he would have taken the stairs normally."

Rin was already examining Naruto's feet and only barely listening to her teacher's reasoning. She seemed to merely be staring at them, but after a rather short time she announced, "Found it!" She let Naruto's right foot fall and closed her hands around his left.

Arashi observed in silent anxiety for nearly an hour before Rin finally sat back, worn but pleased.

"Done," she reported softly as she dragged the back of one wrist across her forehead. "He'll still be weak for the rest of the day and into tomorrow, but after that he should be fine."

"Thank you, Rin," Arashi murmured as he let Naruto roll onto his back again. The toddler's little body was alarmingly limp and he did not respond when he was jiggled gently. ". . . _Naruto_?"

"Shh!" Rin chided quietly. "He's exhausted, Sensei – don't wake him. Just put him to bed."

"All right." A new thought occurred to Arashi and he turned toward Akiko, who was finishing her supper with the same enthusiasm she had always had for her meals. "Akiko's not three yet . . ."

"Her chakra network isn't fully set," the ANBU said, "but it seemed to be enough to handle this."

"What?" Rin interjected. Arashi quickly explained that Akiko had been the one to put Naruto in his state. "Oh. That's odd. But in that case, then, yes – she's probably just fine if she hasn't shown signs of chakra failure by now. But it wouldn't hurt to have someone keep an eye on her for the next day or so, just in case some part of her system gave out even less than Naruto's did."

"I'll take care of it," the ANBU volunteered.

Rin nodded tiredly. "Let me know if her condition changes."

Arashi looked at her, then at Hotaru. "She'll need a room for the night."

"No, I can go ho—" Rin began.

Both ignored her; Hotaru nodded. "I'll take care of it."

Arashi nodded in turn and with a word of gratitude got to his feet, Naruto cradled close to his heart.

* * *

To Be Continued in . . . **Part III**** – The Merits of Teamwork**

Hands closed around his ribs and lifted him, and Naruto smiled in relief as he was rolled into a supportive arm. He peered through the darkness the best he could, but a new hand clamped over his mouth quickly. Naruto kept quiet obediently as he was moved somewhere, presumably into some hiding place, and waited patiently as someone crept cautiously through the grass. Naruto sent a mental raspberry at the oblivious intruder and was very proud of his ability to be silent when necessary despite his age. A door opened across the garden, spilling golden light out from the hallway, and Naruto snickered internally at the mental image of the shinobi being confronted by a bunch of girls armed with katana. He would probably be able to escape, but it would be alarming to see nevertheless. Then he saw the light strike the man in the doorway, and Naruto's heart dropped into his feet.

It was his father, which meant that the one holding him was the enemy.

* * *

**Answers To Questions You Didn't Even Know You Wanted To Ask:**

**"When you meet her, Naruto – that woman who is your everything – you come back and tell me you don't want her children under your feet and making a mess of your house."**

My mother is always telling me this whenever we end up talking about relationships – of which I've never had any, so I don't know how the discussion always ends up focusing on **me**. At any rate, she always says, "When you meet That Man, you'll **want** to have his children." Whether or not that's true has yet to be seen, but I offer it here because it sounds like one of those things a parent is supposed to say to a child.

———

**… as the host of the kyuubi no youko, …**

'… as the host of the _Demon Kyuubi_,' though I assume that everyone already knew that one.

———

**… and could not help a strange impulse to reach out and trace his father's features with his fingers.**

I have been told that I had something of a hair fetish as a toddler, and that from time to time when I was held by either of my parents I would just reach up and pet their hair very lightly. It seems like an odd habit, although my younger sister reportedly sought out and consumed dustbunnies, so I suppose I shouldn't complain.

———

**So he had always been careful to give himself something of a pep talk when in the situations that triggered his hydrophobia, mild as it was, …**

Hydrophobia is the fear of (drinking) fluids, specifically water. However, rabies is also sometimes referred to as hydrophobia because paralysis of the jaw and throat makes it virtually impossible for an infected creature to drink despite great thirst, and when presented with water the infected often panic.

———

**… the most dangerous thing his father generally did in a day was use a stapler, …**

I don't think I've ever seen an actual stapler in _Naruto_, but if they have clipboards and pencils then surely there are staplers too, somewhere. Maybe. Perhaps.

———

**Except that Naruto never **_**had**_** been tickled before; he had only been swatted at.**

I accept that it's possible Iruka has tickled Naruto in the past, but at the same time it's possible he hasn't. Since their relationship isn't explored in any detail, Naruto – who at the time had never had any family at all – considering Iruka to be the closest thing he'd ever had to a father isn't a convincing enough blanket description for me. I'm certain Sakura and Sasuke never tickled him, and Kakashi probably didn't either. Jiraiya might have, but he seems to prefer a tougher form of love, not unlike what Tsunade employs – i.e., physical abuse and put-downs.

———

**"Have Hanazakari-san examine her as well, Hokage-sama,"**

I haven't been able to find a surname for Rin, so I created one for her (obviously). _Hanazakari_ has several related definitions which all indicate a peak of something – specifically flowers, but also a woman considered to be in her. The definition of _rin_ – probably, in this case, since there are many more definitions available – is "bell".

———

**"It seems like it might be chakra failure." "Chakral or systemic?" ; "Qilogy?" Hotaru echoed blankly.**

'Qilogy' is not a real word, or at least not in the English language. _Qi_ (or _chi_), _ki_, and _chakra_ are all essentially the same thing – energy in the body that can be utilized through concentration/meditation – so I interchanged the terms to make it sound more scientific. ("chakralogy" is fun for the tongue, but not very official-sounding). 'Chakral' isn't a real word either, but I needed an adjectival form, so there it is; I don't believe that I've ever heard anyone give Lee's condition a title, so I did – not really intentionally, but it's useful for perspective. Similarly, it could be said that what Naruto did to Kakuzu is a variation of systemic chakra failure – artificially-induced as opposed to the aneurysm-like failure the ANBU described.

And since I made all of this up as far as I know – including the little bit about the peritoneal sac, which is apparently something else that doesn't exist – I therefore claim it as mine own. If you like it and want to use it for some reason, just ask first, please and thank you.

——————————

Baby Naru is TEH SQUEE. Thank you for your time and attention.

–RN (LS)


	3. Shrinkage III – The Merits of Teamwork

**WARNING!** **Light spoilers** ahoy if you're not current with the manga, but it's just the first page and not plot-essential so you can skip it if you really feel it's necessary. Definitely two, possibly three mouse-clicks on the scroll bar from the start of the installment.

**Author's Notes:** Even though this piece takes place in my _Door Number Two_/_Vis-à-Vis_ universe you don't have to read either of those before you read this; it would just help if you did. All you really need to know is that this work takes place in an alternate dimension/universe and as a result some canon information – such as the Fourth's name – are **deliberately inaccurate**. If that will bother you, either do not read this at all or read _Door Number Two_/_Vis-à-Vis_ to find out why these inaccuracies exist.

For those of you already familiar with _Door Number Two_/_Vis-à-Vis_, if you didn't come here from _Vis-à-Vis_ this is an apology of sorts for the long wait for an update. There won't be one such thing every time, but it's **possible** that there may be more if they – like this one – don't fit anywhere in the fic itself.

**Title:** _Shrinkage_ (Part Three of Three)

**Author:** Reaper Nanashi (Lady Shinigami)

**Pairing:** None intended

**Word Count:** 4067 (**Total:** 16848)

**Category:** Naruto

**Genre:** General/Humor

**Type:** Three-shot (Complete)

**Rating:** T (bad words)

**Date Submitted:** 11/5/09

**Disclaimer:** Ultimately belongs to Masashi Kishimoto – I just play in the sandbox.

**Claimer:** I seriously doubt Kishimoto-sensei would allow this indignity to occur, people. It was just a cute idea, okay? _Okay_? . . . Agree, damn it!

**Summary:** It was an accident – a moment of acute unpreparedness made worse by a lack of critical information. Naruto did not want to be so vulnerable, but at least his Shadow was watching over him. "Except that I can't have you running around in orange. It's too much like you and people will start to wonder." "Wonder _what_? If I'm having illegitimate children?"

**The Reasoning Behind It:** Because I am a sick, sappy person and I wanted Naruto and the Yondaime to have some time to bond under the most adorable circumstances possible – because we all know that they need to spend time together. The apology aside, it was easier to use the _DNT_/_VàV_ universe so that the explanations could be kept simple and the fun stuff could take the lead.

* * *

**Part III**** – The Merits of Teamwork**

* * *

Naruto hated Sasuke's Kusanagi blade.

It was a weapon of the finest quality, certainly, and Sasuke definitely knew how to make excellent use of its reach and the special traits that came from its components or had otherwise been included during its forging, such as the manner in which it eased his utilization of the Chidori Current. What Naruto hated about it was the fact that as far as he was concerned, the Kusanagi symbolized Sasuke's weakness and desperation. The weapon may have come from Orochimaru's hand, but he was only secondary – if Sasuke had not felt scared and cornered by the memory of Itachi, Naruto knew that he never would have gone to the snake bastard in the first place and therefore never would have acquired the katana. And he knew that because he knew also that Sasuke was strong under most circumstances, and the fact that he seemed to prefer or – god forbid – _need_ the Kusanagi's presence just rubbed every last one of Naruto's hairs in exactly the wrong direction.

He glared from where he stood among a few of the buildings that Yamato had resurrected not too long ago. They were collapsing again, though by virtue of a raging black fire as opposed to a massive gravitational force – or whatever Pain's power had been. "Sasuke . . . _why_?"

"I need a reason?" Sasuke responded, in the same dead voice he had used since the first time Team Kakashi came across him in one of Orochimaru's hideouts. Naruto hated it almost as much as he did the Kusanagi.

"You killed Itachi," Naruto snapped as the fires crackled around him and wood groaned as it burned and warped. "You already got your revenge! You may not _need_ a reason to come back and do this, but to bother with it must mean there is one!"

Sasuke looked at him for a long time, and he did not flinch when a house fell into the street behind him and flung wood particles everywhere. "Konoha is as responsible for the death of my clan as Itachi."

Naruto stared. ". . . _What_?"

"It was the council who ordered Itachi to kill my clan," Sasuke revealed. "Because they were scared of my family's power and ambition. They were cowards and wanted to test his loyalty."

Naruto frowned. "Then kill the council members who ordered it if you have to, but leave Konoha alone!"

"Konoha elected the council," Sasuke pointed out.

"You can't _logically_ expect the entire world to know who can be trusted and who can't!" Naruto shouted. "_You_ didn't even know, you bastard! You _still_ don't, or you never would have left here!"

"You mean left _you_," Sasuke sneered.

"Left _here_!" Naruto insisted. "I can accept that you think I wasn't improving myself fast enough to be an adequate challenge, but you never even _tried_ to improve yourself here after Kakashi-sensei taught you the Chidori – you just assumed there was nothing left to learn and ran away!"

Once upon a time, merely _implying_ that Sasuke ran from anything would have earned at least a snort. Time had passed, however, and Sasuke was no longer interested in emotions. "You say that as though you think that I was afraid of something."

"You were!" Naruto accused. "You were afraid of the bonds you had to those around you!"

Sasuke did not answer, which told Naruto that he was right. Sasuke could lie very well . . . as long as the lie was of no personal consequence. When he could not lie convincingly he simply kept his mouth shut, but that in itself was all the confirmation needed by someone who knew him halfway.

"I want revenge, too, Sasuke," Naruto said, more quietly. "I want so much revenge . . . but what good will it do me? It won't make people stop hating me or thinking I'm a loser; it won't bring Ero-Sennin back or heal the old lady; it won't even help me sleep at night. What has your revenge led to? Nothing more noble than a need for further revenge. Will a revenge greater still have to follow that, Sasuke, until you've killed everyone in the world?"

Sasuke snorted. "Melodrama . . ."

"_Answer me_!" Naruto roared. "How many people will you have to kill before your revenge is satisfied?!"

"As many as necessary," was the calm response.

Naruto growled at that dismissal of the value of life. "And if you're killed?"

A shrug. "Unlikely, but if it did then I would be a fool for challenging someone who I could not defeat." Red eyes narrowed and took on a form that Naruto, even through the fluttering of the smokeless black flames, knew he had never seen before. "A fool like you."

Naruto glared again as he settled in for what he was sure would be the longest and most horrific fight of his life. "You bastard," he said, more to himself than to his enemy, "why can't you see? I guess that now it's your turn to be the one who just doesn't understand what it means to go through something. Hating everything is no way to live – that's why I chose a different path, even though it's harder . . ."

Sasuke thrust his Kusanagi into the earth, and the thump of it was so loud that Naruto woke up.

For a moment he was completely disoriented by his soft and dark and chilly surroundings, because he _knew_ he had not been in his bedroom when he passed out from the chakra failure. But there he was, tucked neatly into the bed that was both his and not his. That did not explain, however, why he was awake and cold.

The thump.

He had heard a thump.

A visual scan of his room indicated nothing that could have made such a noise, other than perhaps himself, but he knew for certain that it had not been his imagination. He wished he could scan for any foreign chakra, but it was clear that using his own was definitely not advisable for the foreseeable future. He wanted to dismiss it, but his training and experience nagged when he turned up onto his side and made an attempt to do so. With a grumble, he flipped onto his back again and was examining an eerily human-shaped silhouette on the wall above his bed when it occurred to him why he was cold; the little personal fan was on _and_ the window was open.

It took considerable effort and a few leaps of genius, but Naruto finally managed to close the window as an eighteen-month-old child without access to any chakra might. He returned to bed, satisfied even though there was no way he could reach the fan without clones or a stepladder, and was just tugging the blanket up around his chin when he felt his body get cold again, but not because of the air around him.

There was someone in his bedroom.

Not that he had seen the person, but he knew enough about ninja to know what was and was not done. And what was not done was windows left open, no matter the temperature inside or out. It was ridiculously easy for an enemy to get into a building that way, like seeing the vampire grinning with all his teeth accounted for and inviting him over the threshold anyway. If at all, one was more likely to see windows open only during daylight and if the room was occupied constantly by someone, such as an office, so that anyone who was attempting to sneak in would be spotted instantly. Windows were absolutely _not_ opened or left open at night. _Ever_. And the housekeeping girls would all have been told that, whether or not the why had been explained. That was the whole reason the fan was in the room and running.

Naruto slowly turned his gaze and his head upward to the odd human-like silhouette.

It had moved. Just a little bit, but it had moved.

". . . Shit," he decided calmly, and made a dive for his bedroom door.

All the doors that led to the outside had knobs, but the inside doors all had levers, so it was easy to open them if they could be reached. Naruto grabbed the lever on his door and let himself fall; his weight opened it and he dropped to the floor. For a moment he felt a burst of vulnerable fear when his legs could not support him, but he rolled with the momentum and knew he had just escaped big trouble when nearby wood cracked and split from an impact Naruto did not want to identify. He scrambled out into the hall and ran away from his and Akiko's rooms, to where he knew there was a tiny alcove and a door that opened into a garden that was surrounded by the house. It was not completely protected from enemy attack, particularly from above, but it helped the ANBU guards offer some defense in the event of an invasion of any sort.

He skidded into the inset of the wall and looked up an instant before he realized that he had made a mistake in his choice. The door led to the outside, so it had a knob and not a lever, but even if it had he had no idea how he was supposed to get to it when he barely reached his father's knee. His eyes dropped to the floor, then darted back up just a bit. Bingo.

He reminded himself to ask why the manor had doggy doors and flipped open the latch that locked it, then slipped through and onto the porch that lined the garden. Behind him, he heard whoever was after him play with the door and dove off the porch to the dewy grass. He ducked into the open area beneath the porch and huddled in the dirt against the manor's foundation as he tried to control his breathing. There was more than enough space for an adult to get up under the porch as well if necessary; it occurred to Naruto how dangerous that was and gave himself another reminder to point that out to someone. Of course, any shinobi with a C-class Earth technique could do the same even if there had been a wall of sorts there, but there was no reason to make it easier.

The door opened above him and Naruto ducked deeper into himself as tears of childish terror began to run over his cheeks. The last thing he needed was to cry and make his breathing worsen and become more audible, but there he was anyway thanks to his own stupidity and his sister's unfortunate genius. He watched the intruder's feet move almost soundlessly over the planks overhead, wished that he had thought to call out for help before he went into hiding, and wondered why the ANBU who were supposed to be watching over the manor apparently were not on the lookout. Not that it mattered any, because the next thing he knew upside-down eyes were glinting at him from the other end of the porch.

At that point Naruto screamed the kind of scream that he had once made fun of Sakura for using – a high, frantic shriek that was definitely not befitting a shinobi – and started to run along under the porch. He dodged one kunai but took a shuriken to the thigh, but the pain only fueled his panic; he ran blindly – for all he knew he circled the whole garden three times. The intruding ninja slid under the porch to cut him off and Naruto turned a new corner in his path and darted into the garden. There was no moonlight, though, and he had no idea if the stairway nearby led to the door he had gone out through; if not, he would have wasted precious time in finding out. Then Naruto's ears were graced with a wonderful sound.

"Naruto . . .?" the Fourth questioned in the dark from somewhere nearby.

Hands closed around his ribs and lifted him, and Naruto smiled in relief as he was rolled into a supportive arm. He peered through the darkness the best he could, but a new hand clamped over his mouth quickly. Naruto kept quiet obediently as he was moved somewhere, presumably into some hiding place, and waited patiently as someone crept cautiously through the grass. Naruto sent a mental raspberry at the oblivious intruder and was very proud of his ability to be silent when necessary despite his age. A door opened across the garden, spilling golden light out from the hallway, and Naruto snickered internally at the mental image of the shinobi being confronted by a bunch of girls armed with katana. The interloper would probably be able to escape because he was a ninja and the girls would be too afraid to actually attack him, but it would be an alarming sight nevertheless. Then he saw the light actually strike the man in the doorway, and Naruto's heart dropped into his feet.

It was his father, which meant that the one holding him was the enemy he had so successfully dodged until that point. Naruto had been quiet for the wrong person.

He started to struggle and fight and cry around the hand silencing him, but too late. His father spoke to one of the girls inside as he entered the house and pushed the door closed behind himself, and Naruto felt a new swell of panic at the realization that he was alone again. The intruder did something that flicked him into one hand so that his mouth was still covered and the other was free to retrieve a new kunai; Naruto thrashed desperately and alternately shoved and pulled at the arm holding him to no avail. The shinobi fought with him for only a moment before Naruto, in a mindless fit, opened his mouth to shout. One of the enemy's fingers dropped in, and before it could be removed Naruto bit down as hard as he could.

The intruder did his best to keep things quiet and controlled, but with that little victory won, Naruto upped his fight so much that the enemy had no choice but to wrestle him with both hands. He managed to squeeze free, only to drop into a small pond that he knew was somewhat to the southwest corner of the garden, near the door to what was technically his parents' side of the manor. It was about ten inches deep and three times as wide, so he floundered momentarily in an effort to both breathe and avoid the enemy simultaneously, but once he was relatively stable he drew in a deep breath.

"_DADDY_!"

Almost instantly, he heard the distinctive _shuck_ of blood squelching from a body and around a foreign item. Naruto slowly lowered himself into the freezing-cold pond water so as to be harder to find, just in case. There were some more telltale signs of killing, then a long silence.

"Naruto?" his father called. "Naruto, where are you? It's okay – he's dead. You can come out."

Very, very hesitantly, Naruto pushed himself to his feet. The splashing water gave his position away and he felt hands grab him suddenly. He squeaked in alarm and began to struggle once more.

"Naruto!" the Fourth's voice scolded softly, sounding much nearer than it had all night so far. He continued to wriggle and felt something bump the shuriken in his thigh that he had rather forgotten about until that moment. "Naruto, it's okay! You're oka— Ouch! What the . . . Shit." The hands became infinitely gentler in their efforts to control him. "Easy, Naruto. You're hurt. Stop struggl— Oh, _come on_ . . ."

He was pinned carefully against a warm bare chest, which the intruder had not had. Naruto took a moment to breathe, then reached up to try to trace the contours of his captor's face, just to be sure. Instead, his hand touched a familiar lock of hair, so he grabbed it and yanked. Anyone who was not used to having hair there, such as someone making use of a transformation technique, would react in a notably different fashion from someone who had that very hairstyle on a daily basis.

The head the hair was attached to gave after a split-second of resistance, when the pain registered. The one who owned the hair was obviously used to having children pull on it. "Ow! Naruto!" Naruto let go and clutched at his father's shoulders to try to find a good grip. When he did he hugged the elder blond tightly and rested his head against the top of a firm yet still somehow soft pectoral before the tears began to fall. His father nuzzled into his hair and returned a gentle, encompassing embrace.

"Oh, please don't cry," the Fourth chided softly. "Shh. You're safe now . . ."

"Where were the guards?" Naruto whimpered. "I . . . I . . ."

"They're dead and getting stiff," he explained. "Now come on – let's go inside and have you looked at."

Rin was collected from the roof, where she had been examining the guards for cause of death, and asked to check Naruto's injuries. She confirmed the Fourth's opinion that they were minor, and since she was still not fully recovered from fixing Naruto's chakra failure he knew enough first-aid to do the healing himself. Naruto was not one to sit still for long periods of time, but he was so exhausted and cold that all he felt he wanted to do was lean back into the warm, convenient cradle of his father's left arm and go to sleep.

"You going to make it, Naruto?" the Fourth prompted abruptly.

Jarred from a near-sleep, Naruto looked up at his father and yawned. "Yeah. 'M just ready to go to bed."

The healing paused briefly so that careful fingers could check his pulse and then his head, presumably to make sure he did not have a concussion. ". . . Okay. You can sleep if you want to."

Rather than clicking off completely, Naruto drifted into a restful half-sleep. He was lulled for some time by the oddly soothing hum of his father's voice, and then nudged gently back into consciousness so that he could take a warm bath. He groaned, loath to move when he was so comfortable, but his mother insisted and he obediently went to bathe; it was something he was allowed to do on his own under the circumstances, and because precautions had been taken – mainly Shinju listening through the door for any extended periods of silence – in case he passed out for some reason.

With his baby-shinobi uniform shredded and soaked, Naruto changed back into his preferred orange gear once he was finished and dry. Shinju was too self-conscious to even ask for permission to pick him up and carry him, so he had to walk all the way back to the sitting room where everyone of immediate importance – even the people who had not been in the house for the night – had gathered. The Fourth scooped him up the instant he entered the room, going so far as to leave the armchair he had been seated in to do so. Of course, Naruto imagined that it meant something to be able to leave a comfortable spot in a crowded room and be certain that no one would dare to steal it without permission.

The interloping ninja was dead, so there was no reason for anyone but the new and increased guard to be up and about. While Hotaru and the girls all returned to bed Obito took a few extra ANBU into the surrounding woods to check for traps or hidden bevies of enemy shinobi, and when that was done he dismissed them and appropriated a guest space for himself. Kakashi snuck into the dark room and belly-flopped on top of him as soon as he got settled, and the two engaged in a wrestling match so loud and violent that Naruto and his father could hear it from where they were reclined together on one of the couches in the sitting room – at the opposite end of the house.

One minute after that, the Fourth opened the door to Obito's room with enough force that it slammed into the wall with a bang. Obito and Kakashi, in a knot of twisted extremities, froze and stared at him as though knowing they would not be able to get away when he leaped forward to strangle them. But when nothing happened for several minutes they very slowly untangled, crept to the full-size bed, climbed into it, and pulled the covers over their heads as though doing so would save them.

Akiko appeared then, alone, and toddled around the Fourth's leg into the room. Naruto watched her cross to the bed, where she tugged on the blanket and whined, "'Kashi-niisan, Obito-niisan, help! I want up!"

Kakashi, who was the closer of the two, obediently risked his teacher's wrath by pushing the covers down to grab her and lift her into the space between himself and his adopted brother. Then the covers were moved back into their place of protection.

When they seemed to be settled the Fourth exhaled noisily to convey his continued annoyance, cut the lights off, and pulled the door closed. He walked three doors down and cracked open the door there enough that he could stick his head in. "Sorry, Hotaru," he said. "They'll be quiet now."

"Thank you," she mumbled tiredly.

That door was closed again, at which point the Fourth turned and bent down to pick Naruto up as he set off for the dark sitting room. "Stupid idiots," he muttered, mostly to himself. "It's three in the morning . . . Waking up Hotaru and Akiko . . ."

They settled on the couch where they had originally been lying, and Naruto was placed on his father's chest so that a scratchy wool blanket could be drawn up over both of them. Firm but gentle fingertips massaged his head briefly, and whether it was supposed to comfort him or not, it made him lift his head. ". . . Dad?"

"Hm?" was the vague response of a person attempting to fall asleep.

"How did you get to me so fast? I called for you when you were at the other end of the garden. And _inside_."

He received a rough hair-ruffle for his trouble. "I'll show you when you're older, how 'bout that?"

"How much older?"

"Old enough to have good chakra control."

Training could do that, though the Chiisaikoro would have to wear off first. "Promise?"

"Promise. Now go to sleep, buddy."

Naruto yawned in agreement and laid his head down on his father's chest so that the elder blond's heartbeat would put him to sleep, which it did with admirable speed.

Though he himself drifted off soon after that, sometime in the dead of night Arashi was awakened by what seemed to be an unusually deep silence in his surroundings. A quick scan revealed that there was no danger, merely the all-enveloping quiet that came just before dawn, and his second reflex was to check on his child. He looked down and put his face into a brush of blond hair that was just gold enough to shimmer faintly in the moonlight. What had awakened him was clear – Naruto was far bigger and heavier than he had been a few hours before, which meant that the Chiisaikoro had finally worn off. Arashi dragged his fingers lightly through his son's hair, briefly flattened the spiked locks with a kiss, and closed his eyes as he reclined again. He missed having babies in the house, but it was worth the babies going away to see them grow bit by bit into wise, thoughtful adults he could trust absolutely.

He snorted when he realized he was not fooling anyone, least of all himself; his children could be ninety years old, but they would still always be his babies.

"I'll miss you," he murmured to both of his children, though neither could hear, "but I'm glad you're here."

* * *

**Finis**

**

* * *

**

**Answers To Questions You Didn't Even Know You Wanted To Ask:**

Regarding the semi-spoilers: I don't know what to say about that whole first page. It's a spoiler but it's not – I think everybody knows by now that Sasuke left Konoha and went to hide in one of Oro's panty drawers. I suppose the Kusanagi and Chidori Current could be considered spoilers, though since I never describe them I'm not sure that's really spoiling anything. (Except for maybe the Kusanagi, which would be a complete coincidence because there are portions of the manga I haven't read and I've never bothered to study Sasuke beyond his personality – which can be summed up in three words – so I don't know anything about the Kusanagi either beyond the facts that it's a katana and he got it from Orochimaru.) Admitting that Pain exists is something of a spoiler, I guess. Oh, and killing Itachi, though I don't think Itachi dying is as much of a surprise as who did it (I always figured it would be Naruto, but then again I am biased and the whole thing is a matter of honor and reputation in the traditional Japanese way, so Sasuke would have had to have been the one, but whatever).

———

**Sasuke definitely knew how to make excellent use of its reach and the special traits … such as the manner in which it eased his utilization of the Chidori Current.**

Like I said above, I don't know if that's entirely true. However, there are canonical references to other _Naruto_ weapons that do have similar effects (such as the blade Sakumo and Kakashi used), so it's at least an acceptable leap if nothing else, and Sasuke **has** used his Kusanagi to aid the reach of his chakra-based attacks.

———

**"Then kill the council members who ordered it if you have to, but leave Konoha alone!"**

My hatred for Koharu and what's-his-face – Homura – falls to a point that's only marginally weaker than my hatred for Danzou. And you can quote me. I actually used to only dislike them somewhat – Koharu particularly, because Homura's apparently nothing but a tool of the yes-man format – for viewing Naruto as a weapon (because I knew that Naruto is so independent that he could handle that on his own), but after learning their part in causing Itachi's trauma and heartache, I elevated my feelings from Strangle-Them-If-I'm-Bored-One-Day to Exterminate(or Delete, if that's your fancy)-On-Sight. For reference, Danzou falls under the Seek-and-Destroy category.

———

**"You can't _logically_ expect the entire world to know who can be trusted and who can't!"**

This is a politically correct way of saying, "You, my dearest friend and adopted brother, have bats in your belfry."

———

**Naruto finally managed to close the window as an eighteen-month-old child without access to any chakra might.**

Never mind that eighteen-month-old children generally wouldn't be **able** to close a window . . .

**———**

**There was someone in his bedroom.**

I noticed that I have a lot of night attacks in _DNT_/_VàV_, or at least it seems that way. Does anyone think it's unrealistic? I use them so much because night is a good cover and logically, in a zone where chakra use would obviously be monitored darkness is the next best cover, but is it too much?

**———**

**… like seeing the vampire grinning with all his teeth accounted for and inviting him over the threshold anyway.**

For those of you unfamiliar with vampire lore, it's said that a vampire can never enter your house unless you invite him/her in. It's not actually as easy as it sounds, since s/he's allowed to trick you.

**———**

**… any shinobi with a C-class Earth technique could do the same … but there was no reason to make it easier.**

I can't think of a technique like that which actually exists – or, rather, I think it exists (I even used it/something like it in _DNT_) but can't recall its name. On the other hand, even if it doesn't exist it's a perfectly reasonable technique to expect to exist.

**———**

**"I'll miss you … but I'm glad you're here."**

For anyone who might be confused by this, it simply means that Arashi will miss baby!Naruto and baby!Akiko, but he wouldn't trade them as they are now just to have the baby versions back.

———

Someone asked where Kyuubi was, but since I wasn't able to include it at this point in the fic I'll do so here. I don't know exactly what happened to him; I did think about including him, but then figured it would be too much to put in because let's face it—Kyuubi is not going to improve a cute-and-cuddly WAFF fic like this one merely by being himself. However, since the Chiisaikoro reduces one back to a child state except for the mind, it's probable that the Kyuubi is sealed behind his gates again in a way he isn't in _VàV_ because Naruto's body is at a time far before the appearance of the stresses that weakened the seal. Therefore, Kyuubi is either pouting and pointedly not contacting Naruto, or he is incapable of it because of the strengthened seal.

—————

I have another idea for _Side Doors_, just to keep everyone up-to-date, but **don't** expect it anytime soon; I don't know what to call it yet, or even have a properly-ordered plot in mind for it. (Stupid _Doctor Who_ – why does it have to be such a damn fun show and make me want to write fanfics? Argh.) What I do know is that it's **not** a crossover – in case anyone got turned around there – and that it will take place when parallel!Naruto is roundabout eleven years old, which means that it will take place prior to the events of _Door Number Two_ and _Vis-à-Vis_. Presumably, this means that canon!Naruto will not be present in any format, though since I know so little about the plot right now that may change.

——————————

Yondaddy and Baby Naru are TEH— Oh, you get the idea.

–RN (LS)


End file.
